Mended By a Manuscript

The mending act of writing a book

Finishing this project is a nervous and astonishing experience. Firstly, it is astonishing because it all went so fast: how am I here already? Secondly, because when beginning this project I was a very lost, confused young woman, and it is solely through writing this book that I do not feel that way anymore. It has had an unexplainable effect on me. Though I am a writer, and the unexplainable is my greatest challenge, so I will attempt an explanation. When one is loved properly, they often revert to a childlike state: wonder, laughter, imagination, safety—these all return to them. Or, if they did not experience this as a snag-toothed kid, it is introduced for the first time. A transformative project can do the same thing to its creator. It is astonishing to me that I came to this book feeling as though I have nothing to say, and I came away with more to say. Astonishing that I was re-developed, re-sewed and mended through the act of writing a single book.

And I am nervous since this private egg surrounding my work is closer to being cracked; and a gangly manuscript is readying itself to rear through the mottled, paper shell. I am nervous because once it gets to this stage I cannot make changes. The text is not in motion anymore, not engaged in a back and forth with me, the author.

It feels as if I am in a pine tree, tall as a jade spring, and I’ve just realised I need to push my young off the very top branch into the belly of green below—only, I’ve also just realised how high that is, and, if I do this, this bird will no longer be mine. I will have to watch with my breath held to see if those wings I raised stretch out against the wind for the very first time. Blue feathers ruffling as it veers north, albeit unelegantly, as a first flight often goes. It will not be mine to tend to anymore. All that will be left to me is the bittersweet act of witnessing a child become someone.

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I’ve officially returned to Substack and Instagram, though I am still in the finishing stages of my next book.

As for the book, there is not much I can share right now while I am still in the process of finalisation. But between now and then I plan to write of my experience with my creative sabbatical, writing this book, and more. Plus, get a chance to reconnect with everyone.